Yeah that's right, a Christian gym. Exclusively for Christians. It's about time Christians have they're own gym. I mean come on they have basically everything else Christianized. They got they're own clothing line, music industry, and soon grocery stores and probably even cars will be Christianized. But now, GYMS?
A gym in Florida called 'Lord's Gym' is for Christians who want to work out in a "wholesome" place. At Lord's Gym faith is as important as form. Exercise classes include yo-god (thats Christian for yoga), praisercise (thats Christian for jazzercise), and even gospel spinning. I just got so excited I peed a little! I've been waiting for praisercise!
Don't go to this gym wanting to hear Rihanna or Justin Timberlake, no no not up in this gym. The music over the speakers is all "new agey Christian music" as the owner of the gym puts it. Be careful though because if your on the treadmill while listening to Chris Tomlin you might fall asleep. I suggest if your going to lift weights you listen to Third Day for some hard rockin' motivational work out.
The gym even has artwork! There is a floor-to-ceiling mural of Daniel in the Lion's Den for motivation to beat that lion your facing on the treadmill, or that three pounds your trying to lose.
It keeps getting better. I know, I know, your thinking this is already amazing how could it get any better? Well, a juice bar that's how! After your faithful "wholesome" workout centered on God, why not re-energize yourself with a smoothie. Yes smoothies, three choices actually! Choose from the 'Land of Milk and Honey' smoothie, 'John the Baptist' smoothie (cannibalism?), or try the 'Joseph's Surprise' smoothie (that sounds kinky and disgusting). I know your wondering well do I get a tall, grande, or vente? Well Lord's Gym doesn't use Starbucks sizes, no no they created they're own sizes. You can choose one of those three smoothies in two sizes, David (small) or Goliath (BIG) How did I not see that one coming!?
Now I know your already putting on your work-out clothes so you can go get spiritually fed and feel great about yourself while praisercizing or yo-goding. But you have to think twice about what you wear to Lord's Gym because there is a dress code. The owner says women should wear long pants, a long sleeved shirt, a winter hat (you know the kind bank robbers wear?), and....well actually all they're skin should be covered. The owner said we want men to be able to workout without being tempted to lust or sin. Also women will not have to be self conscious about being 'checked-out.' It's all about creating a comfortable environment.
What a gym! I don't know about you but I'm in and it's actually pretty affordable. I went and got my membership yesterday and now I can workout there anytime I want. If your interested, it's only 10 good deeds a month. Pretty affordable I think.
7 comments:
this is beyond awesome... i loved it! literally chuckled out loud. those chiks will be sweatin their asses off with all that clothing on ! oh wait..am i thrown out of the god gym i said ass???
If you see absolutely no problem with all of this (i.e. if it's not some very clever joke that I managed to miss), then I think that you need to spend a few years in hell. I would have said "the gulag" or "Auschwitz," but the only long-lasting arenas of torture these days are ones forged by the Almighty himself, hm?
But He loves you.
Odin, you should be awakened to the literary beauty that is satire.
Im sorry matt. But this is not satirical. I took an entire class in high school on Satire writing and this would fall under mockery. Regardless, is that really what Jesus calls us to? Being Satirical about our fellow Christians?
Sorry conquetish but I don't think Jesus called us to make Christian only gyms. For most of my life I'd say that I was not a Christian or at least did not remotely understand Christ. So seeing something like this completely turned me off to Christ, I did not want to be apart of some religion that was exclusive because I surely could not fit in (I had done too many awful things in my life) and Christ seemed just like a fashion or a game which it is to many. It pushed God into this distant place from me, I couldn't understand the relational aspect of Him. Nick is in no way making fun of Christ, but merely some of the crazy things us Christians do. I believe he's bringing up some good points in showing how crazy we all can be (and not crazy in a good way). I wish that the people would be able to go to a normal gym and work out with friends that maybe didn't understand Christ, that way they could relate with them better and hopefully the person might understand Christ's love for them. Christ did not isolate Himself from those who did not follow Him or even judaism, He went to them just as we should. I think some of these Christian" are very much unnecessary and are part of the christian sub-culture which makes it more difficult for people to understand Christ.
Also I don't think he's being satirical about fellow christians, but the crazy things they do. There are a lot of things christians do that I don't like, but that doesn't mean I don't love them. I very much still love them, I'm just sad about the things they do.
Also Odin, Nick is definitely joking about this Lord's Gym, I am fairly certain he thinks this is ridiculous. Also saying he should spend time in Hell is kind of a mean statement. I personally wished no one had to go to Hell and that everyone would know Christ. I think you also forgot about Guantanamo Bay, there's plenty of torture that goes along there.
Love
Drew
"I think that you need to spend a few years in hell. I would have said "the gulag" or "Auschwitz," but the only long-lasting arenas of torture these days are ones forged by the Almighty himself, hm?"
You tell him, Odin! I bet that's what Jesus would say if he disagreed with someone!
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